The Soul

"The soul is healed by being with children." Fyodor Dostoevsky The Russian writer is known for many outstanding quotes but this one seems to have a strong impact on me. At one of our early meetings of The Compassionate Friends, one of the fathers stated that night that a death of a child is like losing a piece of your soul. Those words made a huge impression and since Jason was our only child, a bigger piece of our soul seems to be gone. How we moved forward was determined not only by the great love we had for our son but also the great love we have for each other. Today, over five years since Jason die, we are still receiving gifts from him. Whenever I am around a group of children they do not realize that I am learning from them every day. Their smiles, the innocence of their questions, and even their little acts of misbehaving all add to the joys that only a child can provide. Even though we know we will grieve for Jason everyday and his memory will be with us forever, it does provide comfort to be with children and maybe our souls are slowly healing.

Old Fashioned?

Maybe I am just old fashioned but there is nothing better than the innocence of a child. That is what I see each day that I have the pleasure of subbing. Jason started tutoring while at SFA but only worked with children during his year in Colorado Springs. He would share with me some of the stories from his students but my mind was focused on my pharmaceutical career. Now that I can focus on the kids, I understand when Jace use to say how cute they were, how much they want to learn, and how their excitement, joy, and energy provides the same back to you. Now I am not naive enough to believe I have much impact on the kids, nothing like the dedicated, experienced, and nurturing effect that their classroom teacher provides everyday. I do hope though that they realize that all adults really care when they are in school and that is the only role I strive to fulfill. Maybe my grandfather thought that in the past the world was going by too fast for I feel with the Internet, cellphones (constant texting), and all the game consoles that the kids really never shuts down. I tell all the 4Th, 5Th, and 6Th graders that the best way to learn is from books and the radio for they allow you to boot up the visual computer of your mind. Most of them look at me like I must have lost my mind. So I guess I am just old fashioned but extremely pleased that when I grew up books were my X-Box, the radio was my Internet, and outside was where I always wanted to be.

Jason and Willis

Jason had Willis by his side as his guide dog for 7 years. Needless to say Willis became his eyes and his best friend. Even though he was a big German Shepherd, Willis was a loyal, gentle dog who only became protective if he felt Jason was going to be in harm's way. We would always tell people that Willis was our grand-puppy and on rare occasions when Jason was ill, Willis would stay with us. He usually would wait by the front day until Jason returned.
One weekend Jason informed us he could not get Willis to walk or eat due to so much pain. A trip to the vet diagnosed a fast growing tumor on his back that was inoperable so Jason knew what had to be done. It was one of the hardest day of Jason's short life when he had to tell Willis goodbye. I sent Jason this poem to help sooth the pain.



My Best Friend

Jason, I did not want to leave your side, especially not this way.
We have been together,oh,so long, and I have loved every day.
I knew someday I would retire and leave you at our home.
The pain I feel, the inability to walk, tells me I must move on.

Please cry tears for me, maybe that will help wash away the hurt.
I hope I did not let you down, for many more years I did want to work.
Together we made a great team, you kept me fed, loved and warm.
It was with pride and head held high that I guided you, the role for which I was born.

The Legacy Continues

They say the love of a child is forever and when their physical presence is gone that their spirit lives within. Jason's spirit is with us every second of everyday and he keeps giving us so much inspiration. We always look forward to our fall visit to the campus of Stephen F. Austin State University. We know we will visit with dear friends (both on and off the campus), meet the new scholarship student, and sometimes see the other recipients. It is an annual tradition that brings so much joy and a few tears. We always start with lunch with the three Math Dudes. They are Jason's college math professors that also have become close friends. His mentor and running buddy is Harley Joe, his music peer is Doc Rock, and his culinary associate is Chicken Fried. Chicken Fried is known to say everything tastes better with batter. After lunch we visit with our friends on campus, go the bookstore, and just hang out. That evening, Harley Joe and his lovely bride bring the new recipient to meet us during dinner. It is the highlight of the trip for not only is every student stellar but they love math as much as Jason did. We have had four to date with Josh being the first, who after his bachelor degree, moved to Texas A&M to earn a Masters in Computational Math. Justin, the second student is now working on his doctorate at Southern Methodist University. Meghan, the pretty redhead to my right, was the third recipient who is now working on her masters at SFA and sharing her gift of math by teaching undergraduates. The 2008 scholarship student is the lovely Czech scholar on my left named Deborah. She is senior this year and still in decision process of her future educational pursuits. Go figure.
We never knew that the gift of the scholarship in the memory of our son, Jason, would bring us so many new friends. We truly feel the committee each year has hit a home run with their selection of a dedicated and focused student. Jason would have been honored to call anyone of them a friend and if I know Jason he would have been calling Meghan and Deborah quite a bit.
SFA provided a way to ensure that Jason will never be forgotten and as his parents there is nothing that brings more solace than others showing how much they loved your
boy and that his legacy lives on.

The Gift of Legacy from SFASU

After Jason' memorial service in East Texas, three of his college professors informed us that Stephen F. Austin State University, Department of Math, had established a scholarship in Jason's memory. He was a student at SFASU for twelve years earning two bachelor degrees (Communications and Mathematics) and a masters in Mathematics. To their knowledge he again set a new standard of being the first blind student to receive a masters in math. He also spent a thirteenth year as a research assistant so he had, along with his parents, invested so much into this outstanding university. The memorial scholarship was such a brilliant gesture to show their love and respect for our son. I will write more about it later but I have attached a photo of the third recipient in 2007. Her name is Meghan and like all four students to date is a gifted scholar and a math prodigy.

Jason - The First

I wrote earlier about the dedication and commitment of Jason's mom to his growth and education. When the school district found out Jason was legally blind and new resources would be needed, they strongly suggested that we send Jason, our only child, to the Austin School for the Blind. They did not realize that you do not separate a club form his momma for you will be in for a fight. Mom knew Jason had the right to an education in the school district and was determined that it happen. Jason and her hit some bumps in the road but just stayed on course and in May of 1988, Jason was the first blind student to go all 12 years in T.I.S.D. He graduated in the top 15% of his class of 550. Together, Jason and mom completed the educational foundation which would serve him well in college. One of Jason's classmate lends an arm to help him accept his diploma.

A Mother's Love

Yesterday, I have my first closed MRI and it reminded me of Jason's first closed MRI. When Jason was 11, a doctor ordered an MRI and since there was not one in East Texas, we headed to Baylor/Dallas. As any mother would do mom was concerned that Jason would feel a little feel fear in the cramped up space so she decided she would sit by the unit and read to Jason. Now if you never had heard an MRI unit it is extremely loud and they actually put muffs on your ears. Mom did not know that so for an hour she patiently read. After the test was over Jason informed her he could not hear a word. I guess every parent has spoken words that the child never hears but we all keep trying. Jason accomplished so much due to the dedication, love, and commitment of his mom. She created a balance in her guidance to make Jason as independent as possible for she knew with his blindness, he would have to try a little harder and prove everytime he could do it. She did not live through her son but with her son to provide just the right amount of support. She would watch him fall knowing that as we all grow we must learn to stand on our own. I stated on a TV interview recently that she was the best mother I have ever known and it was with the fact that her gentleness and kindness helped her create a masterpiece. Jason, with his blindness, exceeded the expectations of everyone including his proud papa. It just shows the power of a mother's love.